Nevada Holstic Chamber of Commerce: Love?s Afterglow

Love?s Afterglow

by Ellen Laura

Ignite Your Passion and Revitalize Your Relationship with Love and Eros.

When you enter into and honor a healthy life partnership, it involves becoming skilled at handling three powerful forces: Eros, sex and pure love – The Trinity of Intimacy. Committed life partnerships, particularly marriage, carry the potential to be exceptionally healthy when the three forces merge to become something greater than any one of these forces alone. Therefore, blending and refining those three forces are essential in building and sustaining healthy relationships.

The erotic force, Eros, is one of the most potent forces in existence. The dictionary defines Eros as both the Greek god of erotic love and the sum of life-preserving instincts that are manifested as impulses to protect and preserve the body and mind. We often think that sex and Eros are the same force, but this is a mis-perception. Think of Tristan and Isolde, or Romeo and Juliet as the classic stories of Eros in full bloom.

It is the erotic force that opens the eyes to beauty and stirs the desire for union. More importantly, the erotic force has the potential to carry us into pure love. However, since most of us have been raised in a puritanical culture, both the erotic and sexual forces are at risk of being suppressed or perverted. Perversion, from a spiritual perspective, occurs when Eros and sex go off on a journey together and fail to arrive at the same destination: true, enduring love.

Keep the Spark of Eros Alive
Traditionally, men are more active and adventurous, which has led them to become unfaithful when Eros is lacking in a relationship. Women of past decades have been more inclined toward sluggishness and compromise about their relationships, allowing themselves to continue in a monogamous partnership long after Eros has departed.

When one partner has a stronger drive to experience that vibrating life force, Eros, unless pure love is present, an impulse to stray from the relationship develops – often leading to jealousy for the other partner. Jealousy has been described as a terrible monster that destroys relationships and, from a spiritual perspective there is another aspect of jealousy still to be explored. According to Dr. Deborah Taj Anapol, in her book, Compersion: Using Jealousy as a Path to Unconditional Love, she states, “A jealous person is often reacting to the soul’s awareness that bonding with your beloved is incomplete. Ego may not be conscious of this gap but the soul always knows the truth. The soul has no secrets from itself. And no judgments either.

“When the soul sees that the beloved is not open to merging, whatever he or she may say to the contrary, fear threatens to overwhelm the ego. When the soul sees that you resist the call to union, whatever the official status of your relationship, the soul knows you’re on shaky ground.

“If, on the other hand, you are solidly grounded in the knowledge of your unconditional love for one another, any stirring of jealousy quickly dissolves in the light of the eternal bond between you. Nothing can shake a bond like this, not death, not separation and certainly not another human’s genitals.”

Armed with these new perceptions, jealousy and other relationship challenges cease to rob us of our own vital energy.

When Eros departs from a relationship, we feel empty and lost. But instead of resorting to worry or panic, we can begin to gently examine our own psyche. This doesn’t require endless hours of analysis, because action, coupled with awareness, is a more valuable antidote to dwindling passion than years of toxic introspection.

Since most people carry the wounds of being raised in a sex-negative culture, they swing from denial to over stimulation in a sad attempt to call upon the force of Eros. Those who are afraid of their own emotions and afraid to explore life will often do anything to avoid, subconsciously and ignorantly, the great experience of unity. On the other extreme are those who are overly emotional and undisciplined, and although they know other fears in life, they dive recklessly and greedily into Eros. They look for one person after another and use the erotic force for their pleasure, and when it is worn out, they hunt elsewhere. This abuse eventually takes a toll on the body, mind and soul.

Because the erotic force is primarily about vitality and power, it is essential to healthy life and relationships. Success in rekindling that inner spark and bringing forth the erotic force within is a skill that can be learned. Women often bring back their inner spark through a make-over with new clothes, makeup, hairstyles and/or a renewed commitment to exercise. These are effective ways to jumpstart the process; however, maintaining healthy enthusiasm is an inside job. Another way to turn on the passion within is to get close to the powerful forces of nature such as mountains, lakes or the ocean. Being outdoors with animals and the elements awakens vitality and helps to heal the spirit of the traumas that keep people isolated. Working with the correct coach, healer or spiritual counselor is another way to dissolve the demons that destroy one’s vitality and life force.

When an individual’s inner spark is weak, it is not the time for sex without love. Why? The temptation to‘steal’ energy from the other during sex is high when our own glow is dim. Since much of this ‘energy theft’ occurs in such subtle ways, it is wise to learn to transmute these drives instead of indulging. And, for most people, sex without love can lower self-esteem instead of calling forth inner power. Many people who have engaged in sex without love begin to experience bouts of depression and other symptoms of low serotonin. This may not be great news, but look around. Countless women and men who flaunted their sexuality in their twenties and thirties are heading into their forties and fifties feeling angry and cynical instead of liberated and loving. This is partially because our authentic need for love and belonging can be obscured when involved in a hot and heavy sexual liaison. This is not about being uptight; it is about living a life with high vitality and relaxing into pleasure in ways that increase – not decrease – our precious life force.

The sex force is often referred to as animalistic without love or Eros. When the desire for sex is lost, it is most likely an indication of some form of illness of body, mind or soul. Sex that lacks the passion of Eros becomes mechanical. If a person experiences turmoil and conflict, it would be better to practice celibacy or bring oneself to orgasm than to interact with another.

The Joy of Union
A healthy commitment within a relationship offers a glimpse into experiencing the ecstasy of union. Eros lifts the soul out of sluggishness and vegetation. Even the utterly selfish person will begin to have unselfish impulses. Laziness and inertia are overcome and the routine-bound person will become more spontaneous. As the erotic force awakens within, the opportunity to begin the journey of authentic love also appears. During those times when Eros is stirring, it’s possible to break old patterns and enter into truly happy relationships. This is an ideal time to begin a marriage.

The main elements present in Eros are a childlike curiosity and a tender search for the knowledge of the other being. The desire to know the other is what drives a person into adventure and out of separation. Fascination with the other keeps Eros alive.

The vanity and arrogance that cause those so afflicted to believe there is nothing more to know of another, suffocates the spark in relationships. If you have become so cynical that nothing intrigues or fascinates you, how ever will you attract true love? Since the soul is not static, it can never be known completely. When you reach a state of familiarity and habit, you might begin to think you know the other. The moment you believe that you have found all there is to find of the other, and that you have revealed all of yourself that there is to be revealed, the potency of Eros begins to weaken.

Each day, you must affirm is a new day and that both you and your partner are also new. Instead of searching for evidence that a partner is the same, search for what is new in the world and in your partnerships.

What about meeting someone new and sharing one beautiful night? Can all three elements of Eros, sex and love that you say create The Trinity of Intimacy be experienced and empower me?

Absolutely, but it is extremely rare because so few people are full of physical, mental and spiritual vitality and integrity. Most people are low on vitality, lacking self-esteem, and their core power has not been developed. Our social, cultural and religious conditioning does not support exquisite love for one night. If after such a sweet encounter, people cherish the experience and their integrity and self-esteem is enhanced, not diminished, then it can be wonderful. I have found that with the majority of people I’ve interviewed regarding a short-term experience — be it a day, a week or a month — either the woman or man feels betrayed. This occurs because most people are still struggling with, or avoiding, the issues of love and belonging. There is no way that our integrity can remain intact if there is any lying — either to ourselves or a partner — about such an experience. That’s why it is so rare when all three elements ignite and we are exhilarated. But when they do, the potential is there for that experience to sustain and deepen for years.